


i'm not who i used to be

by stylinshaw



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Incest, M/M, Sibling Incest, Weecest, sam being a nostalgic little shit, total wincest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-02
Updated: 2013-11-02
Packaged: 2017-12-31 06:26:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1028324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stylinshaw/pseuds/stylinshaw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>sometimes sam wishes he was back to fifteen years old.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'm not who i used to be

**Author's Note:**

> song for this whole thing : brothers on a hotel bed by dcfc  
> hope you like this :)

sometimes sam wishes he was back to fifteen years old.  
fifteen was a good year for him. he thinks of being so young, and a little inexperienced, and dean would come home everyday with mussed hair and swollen lips and sam remembers wishing he was the one to make dean look that way, even though it was wrong and illegal and sam didn’t really give a fuck.  
he remembers dean, smiling at him as he walked into the house with a certain air sam always tried to replicate but never managed to achieve properly, and ruffling his hair.  
“you doing your homework, sammy?” he’d chide, and lay down on the couch. “nerd.”  
sam would roll his eyes and continue whatever he was doing, trying not to focus on his brother’s body spread out so openly.  
sam remembers joining the football team, and the first practice he went for, wearing a stupid pair of too-loose shorts and a bright white jersey, and he recalls that day as the one dean finally cracked.  
he remembers coming home, sweaty and tired out, and dean was waiting in the chair sam usually sat and did his work in, and he’d taken one look at sam and they were kissing.  
sam remembers with clarity, the way he’d felt the moment his big brother’s lips were on his and god, he can’t believe that was so long ago.  
sam thinks of the next three years after fifteen, sunshine and warmth with dean wanting him back and hiding from dad but whatever, they were happy and peaceful and then sam fucked it up.  
stanford was such a big deal to him. he wanted to be a lawyer, make money so he wouldn’t have to continue hunting, he hated hunting with a burning passion, hated it so much he left dean.  
sam remembers the night he left for stanford, dad yelling at him and he was yelling back, so, so, loudly, and dean was in between them, pushing them away from each other, eyes filled with pain.  
sam thinks that was when he begun to become who he was today, this broken person.  
dean had cried that night. it had hurt sam so much he’d almost considered staying behind, but he was such a stubborn person he’d left anyway.  
he remembers holding one backpack, walking towards the nearest bus stop, and dean pulled up in the impala, looking out the window. sam remembers dean asking if he’d wanted a ride, and he thinks both of them were trying not to cry at that time.  
dean had pulled up to the side of the road, in some deserted area and he’d turned to sam with teary eyes. sam remembers the fiery kisses they’d shared, the slow way dean had pushed into sam, a sort of goodbye.  
he’d picked up his things, and left, not soon after.  
stanford was good. sam had met this one girl called jess, and he fell in love with her soon after they started dating. she was smart, sweet, kind and she never asked about why sam woke up in the middle of the night screaming sometimes. she stole sam’s heart, but she never had the one piece that belonged to dean.  
they were happy together for two years, maybe, and then dean had come back, jumped on him in the middle of the night, a bit like that one time when dean was nineteen and he was fifteen and dad didn’t know anything.   
“dad’s on a hunting trip, and he hasn’t been home in a few days.” sam can still feel the mild horror he felt that day, thinking dad was hurt, dad could be dead-  
sam had gone with dean. and he’d come back, even though dean had made it clear that he wanted sam again, had forgiven sam, wanted him along, two brothers hunting.  
and sam ditched him for some stupid fucking job interview.  
after that day, things weren’t the same. jess died, a bit like mom did, and he’d felt emotionally stunted for nearly nine months after. he knows he’d had nightmares, but he’d always woken up to dean holding him securely.  
hunting became sam’s life. they went looking for the yellow-eyed demon for about a year, found dad, and sam remembers things being a lot easier back then.  
then he died.  
he’d thought jake was too weak to get up. he’d felt like killing him would be too much, and he’d seen dean and bobby walking towards him and suddenly dean had started screaming and everything had gone black.  
he remembers being in heaven briefly, lighting up fireworks with dean, that day sam had come home from his first football practice and suddenly he was yanked back down to earth to find that dean, the stupid idiot, had sold his fucking soul for him.  
it all went downhill after that. dean went to hell, sam killed lilith, lucifer walked the earth, sam went to hell, he came back from lucifer’s cage soulless, then there were the leviathans and the trials and the angels falling and fuck.  
but then sam had woken up-from a coma, or something of the sort, because of the trials, and dean had pounced on him, and they hadn’t done this in so many years and sam kind of felt like an awkward fifteen year old again, still growing and not sure about his feelings for his big brother.  
sam was beginning to feel happy again.  
and there’s this one time he and dean are in bed and dean suddenly looks directly into sam’s eyes.  
“why don’t you think the bunker is home?” he asks, and it’s all curiosity. sam shrugs and half-smiles.  
“because you’re my home, i guess,” he says, and he’s sure dean is going to cuff him or something because no chick flick moments, sammy, but instead he smiles, green eyes sparkling a little and sam thinks that this is like some kind of disney moment as dean kisses him softly.  
and sam doesn’t think about being fifteen anymore, because he’s here with dean now and he’s happy. and that’s sort of perfect to him.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr : padaledcki


End file.
